Was I Alone, Alone?

I was unlocking my room yesterday night, it was only 10 ‘o’ clock and there was unusual gravely silence in the long corridors of hotel. I could hear the sound of the key unlocking the door, so loud that it was like opening a huge vault. I had to put more effort as if the lock was frozen for years now. As I entered the room my eyes gave me an illusion of me in the caves leading to an atrium, perhaps it was only because of the bleak illumination in the room.

As I took few steps ahead I felt, the AC temperature lower than usual. The chill in my foot with every step I take was spiking to my heart. It took me few minutes to ignore all this, change my dress and get into the bed.

I switched of the lights, put on the fan as usually. I tried to sleep, but failed as something was not alright. The chill was getting into me as if it was tearing apart my blanket and coming in. The fan was louder, so loud like the chopper wings. In spite of all these, I could hear the ticks of the clock doing rounds in my ears. It’s like I was all alone in a haunted floor where the locks are enchanted, floors are cold by isolation, fans are noisy due to disowning and the clock ticks counting the evil spirits.

All of the sudden I could hear loud sound of the drums, as if there was a call of the war in the ancient age of myth. I could feel water all over me as if I was suffocating in a wooden box flowing on a river. As the clock stuck 6 ‘o’ clock, there was a weird music coming from a corner of the room. It was increasing its volume slowly, but soon reached a point where I couldn't bear the pain it was putting my brain to. I woke up from the sleep breaking my horrid dream.

My two friends staying with me for the same project, left to their home towns for the weekend and the dream was just the result of my loneliness. Drums were my heart beats, water was my sweat and the music my alarm.

Understanding people is …….

This day, for the first time, I felt the importance of understanding people well deeply. Today I surprised few of my close friends by gifting them a table top photo frame containing a group picture which we had taken a few days back. They could immediately guess that the gifts can from me as soon as they saw them on their desks, which I placed the night before. They were so happy to see the photo symbolizing the strength of bonding with in us that, girls in our group expressed a bit of sentimental feeling also. All this was so good.

But in contrary to the emotion flowing here, few of them surprised me in turn by complaining about their look in the picture than recalling and enjoying the memories bonded in it. They suggested I could have used a better photo where I wanted them to see the closeness and remember the sweet things behind it. They couldn’t see the smiling faces of others but were upset with the angle of their face.

It is really tough to understand all of them, when they are really close to your heart also.

Contacted a different world …. Did I?

I always knew it existed and used to proudly boast that I would coexist with it for sure. But when finally God choose a perfect time to give me a glimpse of this highly publicized world, I failed him.

Few days back, as I was returning from my gym, totally exhausted and all of the sudden this exhaustion was dominated by excitement as my buddy spelled seeds of a movie plan. At this time I didn’t know what was destined to happen?

As we reached the theater, passing by huge crowds, we lost the hope of getting tickets. But my friend pulled up himself and jumped in to the crowd and got us tickets. He was a savior of my draining enthuse at that movement, which lasted for few minutes until he revealed the truth that he got us the last grade tickets. He coaxed and convinced us that it would be a new and different but not a bad experience.

Satisfied by his convincing skills, I had a look at my ticket and could not help noticing that the ticket sans seating number. Again this God’s play called for my friend’s role who suppressed my fears by his confidence saying he would go first and hold good seats for us, which is the process for theaters which sans seating numbers.

As the gates were opened I waited with the other crowd trying to get in as the audiences of previous show were flowing out. As and when the In gates were opened I could feel the pain in my body vessels which were crying out of heavy pressure from squeezing. Any how after taking lot of pain some how made it in or I would say squeezed in. but the good news was that my confident friend could make in so fast that he could hold good seats for us. We comforted ourselves as the movie started. The movie was good and almost believed that the trauma was done for the day, but not in real. Suddenly there were people rushing into the already completely full theater and I was observing them to see where they would be accommodated. They all started settling all over the walk way and to my shock in the open spaces between seats also.

As I was recovering from this, all the people around me encouraged by the group who just got seated were weaseling and shouting in my ears for every good scene in the movie. I would not take it as I was not enjoying the movie dominated by the trauma.

I couldn’t take this small contact of 3 hours, but took it granted that I could coexist with this world, till date. I failed this time but it was a good experience for a try.

The Day I was not myself

It is said we learn from our mistakes, so making them is good. But what about the sad memories of them engraved on the deeper layers of heart which engulf you in smog of sorrow and guilt?

Yesterday, I did something unforgivable in the mood of self isolation and self punishment. What was the reason for all this, a recall of the mistakes I made in my life and many of the wrong decisions I have taken then.

I was guilty about the way I was and now blaming myself for my unchangeable past. In the process of bidding adieu to all this I punished my way of life by imposing self isolation and de-socializing. I hurt my close ones projecting my unexpected side on them.

They all tried to break my silence, but only the one with high endurance to my insensitive psychopathic behavior could coax me to talk out. He counseled me back to normal, making we realize that my past was not just about me but a series of instances with innumerable other people playing their roles. He pushed me to have a spec of the future, decisions for which are instill in my hand now.

Thanks God for creating this feeling of binding and bonding.

My Rebirth ....... really

When ever people come across a downfall in life, they remember God. This is true for sure because I did the same too at the time of the fall. But in my case this downfall is literally meant a fall.

January 26^th 2010, as if I was isolated from the world, stayed all day in home. But as the day was almost ending my roomies proposed to go out for some Chinese dinner and we decided to go. Got ready to go and went down stairs to the vehicle. As we reached the ground floor I took the shortcut through the parking lot which turned out to be a long journey costing me thousands of medical bills and complimented with a week of bed rest, not to forget the horrible pain still going on.

What happened in that 40ft journey made me realize life is short and to live it by the minute. That day as I was walking through the parking lot in the darkness of the lightless night, I accidentally stepped on one corner of the slightly open dome of10ft deep water tank. What happened next was a matter of 20 seconds loss of memory recalled later.

When I recalled the instance, I could see the square dome raising and hitting me in the stomach then locking into my ribs as I was sliding into the tank. Subconsciously I took hold of the dome pushed against it to stop me falling into the tank. As a result of the heavy hit in the rib area I was struggling to breathe, luckily passers by noticed me and came to my rescue. They got me pulled me out not noticing the dome’s position. It rolled back and hit me again in the abdomen and nee. What were happened made me feel that only the present minute of time is yours so live it. Today I am still left with lots of blood colts in the stomach and abdomen area due to the internal bleeding caused by the hit.

The day which made my life special...

This is a bit …. Or quiet a bit late to write about this day. But it meant a lot to me and I didn’t want to risk giving it a miss in my digital memory line.

This time of the year, it is about discount sales, gifts from friends, dawn to dusk parties, midnight family time, calls, sms’s and what not to list of the peppy life. For me, till last year, the best of these made the day special, but this time it was different. I came across a completely different and surprising other side of this New Year day. This time I got the real meaning of New Year, it’s about hope for the best to happen, putting your past to rest.

It’s about change you want your life to go through. It’s about finding yourself in the process of goal setting or taking resolutions. It’s all about soul rebirth at one point.

Wait a minute, what made me see all this, this year, when it was there around me but was invisible to me? A simple, innocent, pure, lively smile is the answer. Where did I find this?

This year I and my friends celebrated our new year with the children of a children home which we were supporting through our NGO, Sanhita Maitri. Smiles on the faces of these kids are a gift back to us for the long year and also for a start of a great year. We distributed new clothes to these kids while we had celebrations with Cake, Sweets, Chocolates and what not.